也许我太幼稚

也许我不适合

也许我该放弃

也许我不该说

也许我没人要

也许我该离开

是我想要不该是我的东西

我太幼稚

我不适合

我该放弃

我不该说

我没人要

我该离开

应该也没差

是我的错

对不起

Dry coughs on Friday and i know its a sign that my body needs to rest. But i couldn't when there is so many deadlines the next week. I ignored the warning my body is showing. 





Tonight,

The cold wind blows, my mood goes low.
My wet tears flows, the sourness grow.


This post will be all about I, Me, Myself and thoughts on who I feel I am as an individual.

I am a very innocent and naive person. Genuine and just super nice. It's weird to say this myself but many had described and mentioned this to me in someway or the other at some part of my life when our paths crossed. Not sure if it's okay/good to be innocent and naive in this cruel world but it is who I am and I don't wish to lose the naiveness or innocence that I currently possess. Sometimes, it may seem to you that I am childish, callow or ignorant but I believe I am simply just unsophisticated and unpretentious thus I can be very honest and open to anyone without reading too much between the lines. 

I used to be someone with absolute zero confidence about myself and I never could imagine myself looking into someone's eye when I'm talking to him or her. That has changed but I am certain that till date, I still do not have the courage to speak confidently and holding a conversation with confidence. I am better now as compared to who I was before but I believe I can be better so that I can be a better person in general. 

In the past not too long ago, about 5 to 10 years back, I was a downright negative person. My confidence level was so low that I feel people don't want to accept me as a person and everything I do was just wrong till the extend that me coming into this world felt like it was a big fat mistake that should be undone. I simply just don't feel welcome and accepted as a human being. All I wanted to do was to disappear from this world by ending my life and I believed no one would even care or notice that I'm gone, no one will ever feel pity or sad that I'm no longer around. 

The negativity in me was so overwhelming that I simply couldn't talk with and see the people around me without thinking negatively. But now, things have changed drastically for me as I grew older and matured. I think so positively now such that I trust everyone whom I met for the very first time and believe they approach me with a genuine heart with no bad motives. 

Currently, I'm attending a 2-days workshop called Live, Life and Purpose. To some, it may be nothing and useless but for me, it inspires me a great lot even though today is only the first day of the workshop. It kept me thinking continuously while travelling home and even when I'm bathing. I've discovered and know who I actually could be through activities, reflections and understanding the mistakes other people makes in their life that had impacted them and changed them to who they are today. 

This is only one small part of my takeaways from today's workshop and through this, I understand and know myself a little better than I had before. 

Hopefully, at the end of the workshop, I can find my purpose and live that purpose till the end of my life journey.




















In a blink of an eye, in just one more week, 2 months of my second semester will be over. From the honeymoon period of the first month, to the second month where the stress come tiptoeing into my life bit by bit. Assignment datelines are just around the corner and I have yet to formally start my work. Yet surprisingly(not), I don't feel the panicky feeling at all. Can't believe it, I have a 2000 words essay with at least 10 articles as reference to complete by end of month and not even one single word is typed.

Somebody, please press the panic button for me. I will definitely hate you but I'm super sure I'll appreciate your help when the due date is super close and I'm almost done with my assignment.



Up till this moment, school is still manageable but still hateful in my own opinion. I dislike having to think about assignment progress, important things to take note for examinations, dates of my mid-semester test et cetera. I like how I can come home after a tiring day at work and rest my mind totally empty-headed till the next morning. Then again, there are plus points of being a full time student. I study 3 days a week for this semester and have 4 days of weekend. I have 2 months of semester break before the new semester commences. On my school days, I end classes at 3 PM. My boyfriend always says I have a good life but there are stress times and it really depends on the individual's preference. 



In two months time, it will be the examination period. I should really put up a study routine for my own good and someone(s) to study together with. I cannot study alone at all especially at home **insert distractions everywhere**. There's always little things that catches my attention or a sudden feel to do certain thing. The loose strand of hair dangling in front of my face, ants appeared out of nowhere and I have to remove them, the need to get a cup of water, the need to go to the toilet and worst of all, feeling the need to take a break when I have done absolutely nothing.  Laughs !! And to add on to the never ending list of distractions, my OCD becomes really bad when I'm studying.

Told myself that I will start preparing examination notes from the first lesson of each module instead of doing them after completing the last lecture of each module but now, it's already the 6th lecture and I have not done any. DARN. 



Lots of plans are made for the upcoming semester break. I'm feeling excited yet super guilty. I should really start putting in my 95% in my studies since I've decided to embark on this new journey of getting a degree certificate. I must say that I have indeed changed when I started the new semester. I listen in lectures more than I did in my first semester *a pat on the back*. I do more 'homework' during my free time at home and also while waiting for my boyfriend to knock off from work. It's a good thing I end classes at 3 PM isn't it? I can head over to the CBD area and find a nice cafe for some self study sessions while waiting. 

But I can't really study much in noisy environment, I need absolutely silence in order to concentrate, think and write. After so many years of being a student, I still plug in my earpiece and put on my favorite songs, but my mind would automatically process the lyrics and melody and I would start singing silently in my head. There's no way I can do much with noise. The only place I know that will be absolutely quiet would be the library. Studying outside would take a about 10 hours or so and that means I have to settle my own meals but the library don't allow food consumption. Grrr... Therefore, I go to Starbucks. Plug in some music and study with countless short breaks in between. 

Since mugging days are coming real soon, it's the time again to grow fat with Starbucks coffee **BIG SMILES**.



I really want to do well for my studies, or at least pass everything and get my degree by the end of December 2016 as planned. It's been quite a long hiatus from my last uploaded blog-post and I think the next post will come a little late too since the assignments, mid-semesters tests and examinations stress are on their way to attack. 











After countless incidents on proving that I'm weak, why am I still putting myself into such situation again. It does nothing but makes me sad only. Always ended my sadness and sourness by crying all night long. Frigging all night long.

The sourness, the loneliness, the uselessness, the weakness ... I really don't know what to do to take away all these from myself. I hate myself for being who I am yet I accept that this is who I am. This life of mine, this family of mine, the people that I thought won't leave but did ... it's all my fault.

I never did want to go against her but all kinds of possible actions, thoughts and conversation replayed themselves in my head every single time. I should have done what I had in mind but I just couldn't. This indeed gave her the chance to boss us around and control us like puppets. Yet, we never fight back. All we do is talk behind her back and comment on everything that makes us unhappy but we never talk back to her.

All because she's our mother. That's the only reason. The one and only reason I can think of.

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